Let me begin by apologizing to my parents. I have failed to do justice to their sacrifices they made for me throughout my life. I find no reason to live in. People say the world is beautiful. But believe me every single person around me is selfish. They don’t care for anybody. Money is all that defines a person’s status in the society. I am a person without money. No one cares to know my well being. Humiliation at every step of my life has made my life miserable. Actually, I find no purpose to live in. Killing oneself is better than a purpose less life. I am unwanted. I am a burden of this human kind. Pent-up anxiety caused by my untold sufferings will be slaked the moment I will hang myself.
People used to say I was a brilliant student. My parents were indeed very proud for me when I was in the school. They used to say I will draw an end to their poverty. Yes we are poor, very poor. My father is a daily wage labourer. He wanted me to be educated. My mother is a house wife. Sacrifices made by her can never be written down in one go. Sikha is my only sister. She had been my only support during my days of depression. No one noticed anything about me. She was the only one who was there by my side under any circumstances. I will badly miss all of them. No wonder they too would miss me.
But I have no other way by means of which I can fix the things. I am in such a situation that the extreme step is the only solution to my grave problem.
Right from my childhood, I wanted to be a writer. The decision was not for money. Writing was something that quenched my internal thirst. I used to propitiate the demon within myself with a piece of white page and a pen. But after completing my graduation in English, I realized for the first time that the things are not as smooth as I used to perceive. The way before me was perilous. I in no way could overcome those obstacles.
Being unemployed had made me a laughing stock among my friends. They used to mock me saying, “Anirudhha’s look is fit to be called a poet. Look at his depressed face. This is not depressed actually. It is a sign of how he day by day is on the way to becoming a poet”. Then they all would break into laughter. I could say nothing. I had nothing with which I could shut their mouth up because I was unemployed and my pocket lacked money.
Sumana came to hold my hand when I was a college topper. But after I finished my college, she was nowhere to be seen. She blocked me on Facebook, on Whatsapp, on Insta, on everything she could do. Unanswered messages by her had confirmed once again that I was good for nothing. I tried my best to contact her. She showed a strong disdain for that. Then I set her free. “Sumo fly ! fly ! fly ! wherever you want to”.
Life has proved that I am a failure. I can do nothing. I am unwanted. No one really wants me in their lives. Please do forgive me if I do anything wrong to you. Don’t wail, don’t lament. Do forget me as soon as possible. Wait, why am I telling you all these things ? I need not dictate you to forget me. I know no one ever remembers a failure.
